My Life, by Afon Shepherd

Goverment without Representation

2008-06-23T13:35:00.003+01:00

Hi All,

Its time for a bit of musing, and possibly upsetting some folk. Whats below are my thoughts as of today and my thoughts are subject to change without notice.

With all the hoohar over SL5B (if you don't know anything about it check Massively's and Gwyneth Llewelyn's entries), the outlawing of gambling, and the concerns over what else is going to be restricted, is it time for the residents of SL to start to look at independence? It seems we are currently governed by US rules, and yet a very large number of residents have no representation in the law making process. If my knowledge of history is correct, the idea of governance without representation was one of the causes of the War of Independence between the US and Britain. With July 4th coming up, perhaps its time to look at how SL is governed.

Is it possible for SL to be independent of the US? I'd like to suggest that its is possible. The fact the servers are located in the US is the stated reason US law is applied, but there already locations in the US in which US law has no sway, the embassy's for other countries. Why not apply the same for the servers and make them the embassy for SL?

LL dose not want to get involved in the governance of SL (despite there being a 'Governor Linden'), but if they, instead, acted as agents to an in-world government, their liabilities would be reduced. It would be up to a legislative body of residents to determine the laws that apply globally to SL, this body could be a properly elected group (which should give us some interesting political parties).

I admit that there are a lot of details that would need to be sorted, would a customs gate be required? There will also be a lot of resistance from those currently in power in the US, those who fear the new and unknown. Maybe there is something I don't know that makes the idea complete nonsense, but if I can make you stop and think, then I have done what I set out to do :)

Afon

Abstract Ramblings

2008-05-16T13:30:00.002+01:00

I stand at the end of the field,
I cannot go further, the ground, soggy,
To go further may cause me to get stuck,
perhaps to be swallowed up,
Is it important?
Would the world be less without me?
A few would miss me, would morn me,
But my name, who I am, would disappear,
The light is going, I head back,
Parts I have to go through are wet and muddy
I need to see to avoid them
The Moon hangs, bright, in the clear, dark blue, sky
I would like to stop and watch it
But I have to get back
Why?
Return for me?
No
I return for others
Others rely on me
I have to be back in time
I pick my way across the field to the path
I need to hurry, the light, fading
To be back for others
who am I?
what am I?
I am neither here nor there
Neither male nor female
Intelligent but not intelligent
I have been given a clever mind
But not clever enough to do anything with it
A promise that can never be fulfilled
A task started that can never be finish
Why am I here?
To procreate, to maintain the species
That, I have done, what now?
Nothing
I live for others
My plans, ideas, are around others
I cannot not think of others
Putting them first
I reach a muddy bit, carefully negotiate it
The horizon ahead slowly darkening
I check the time
How long to get back?
Would I be missed?
If I failed to be there
Would things stop?
No
I am driven, I cannot let them down
Without them, I would just stop
Like a flame
Barely enough to light
Barely enough to heat
The only future is to be extinguished
I forge ahead along a dry section
Was there more muddy sections ahead?
Dose it matter?
On my left a bird calls from inside a bush
Do I have any more reason to exist than the bird?
I have been cursed
I have a brain that allows me to understand things
To know the world
To know the futility
To know that no matter what you do
It means nothing
Life is too complicated now
In earlier times, could I have been a Newton
A Galileo?
Today, such folk would fail
What is my contribution?
Its the same as the drunk in the street
Or the bird in the bush
None
I cannot be who I am
So why continue to be what I am?
Because others rely on me
I cannot be who I am because of others
But without them
Could I be?
I come across another muddy section
The light is fading
The bright horizon ahead makes seeing the path difficult
I plow through
Why do I try to avoid the water and mud?
It matters the way my existence matters
Something to consider, to maintain
Something unimportant in the big picture
I reach the road
I check the time
I am ok
I have time
I cross the bridge
Below me, cars whiz past
People in them, places to go
Things to do
Oblivious to the meaninglessness of everything
I go to teach, give others skills and knowledge
And an empty promise

Ups and Downs

2008-04-09T13:39:00.002+01:00

Its been a weird few days. RoseLinUK London, the NCI Education Director resigned at the beginning of the weekend, which left us with a scheduling problem. NCI's class and events schedule is published each week at the weekend, its usually its not much different from the previous week, but this week there were a number of changes needed, Instructors to be found. With the very welcome help from Gramma Fiddlesticks, and the support from Garn Conover, we formulated a plan and implemented it. We managed to cover all the needed classes apart a few that were no longer sustainable. This work did mean that the schedule was late in being posted, unfortunately, but it got done.

For much of Friday and Saturday I had problems with freezing and thawing, I'm not sure why, it seems to be related to rendering. In fact, logging out on Friday I was badly ruthed, with the wrong skin, and no clothes! When I logged in Saturday, I did not know for certain where I would rez, or what I would be wearing. It turned out I rezzed as my (large) dragon av, inside Talia's teahouse! I hope I did not break anything! Sunday I was able to move around a lot easier, and apart from the floor disappearing while I was teaching a class on Physical prims, Sunday was very pleasant (the fact that there was a three headed hell hound playing with a physical prim at the time the floor disappear, I'm sure, was just a coincidence *giggles*).

Monday and Tuesday were bad, I was unable to TP without crashing, and I could not see the next sim along. I felt like I was imprisoned, standing at the edge of a sim and seeing water and a few bits of land, knowing that all around me could see the view with no problem. Knowing I could not fly across the border, nor TP, and yet others had no problems. Monday I spent almost all my time on Talia and my island, completing the schedule posting, but Tuesday I had no such distraction. I had a class to teach at NCI Beach, the only way I could get there was by relogging and specifying the sim. Once there, hearing and seeing the other folk chatting and coming and going, I felt isolated, a prisoner. I have in the past been almost blind with graphical glitches, but I have always been able to move around, this is different, the edge of my sight was the edge of my world, one sim in size, my own private prison that no one else knew about.

A Visit to Gor

2008-03-31T14:20:00.002+01:00

Well, I attended the dance competition in a Gorean sim at the end of last week. I had decided not to go with an observer tag, but to try to interact. I felt that was the way to a true feeling of the RP. I was very nervous when I arrived, I'm not very good at RP and did not want to spoil anyone else's enjoyment. It turned out that there was little interaction with folk around, but then again, they were concentrating on the competition, and I was suffering badly from lag.

So, what did I feel? Not withstanding that I was in a strange environment, though completely safe, I felt uncomfortable. There was a lot of emoting, and most of the speech was enclosed in quotes, basically like a book. To me, it seemed 'laboured', perhaps this is how RP is suppose to be. I enjoyed the dancing, they 'chant' or 'story tell' while they dance, which is interesting. There were 2 teams, I was unable to read the story from the first team, it was posted too quickly, but I was able to follow the story from the second team. The second teams story was about the capture of a women, the chase, collaring and chaining, and about how the women was 'glad' to be enslaved. The interesting thing about this dance was the music chosen, the theme from Last of the Mohicans, in which a women is captured, enslaved and fights back, the scene as she makes the ultimate sacrifice to deny her captor his prize is a very moving one for me, and is the very opposite to Gorean thinking. All I could think ,as the story unfolded, was that if a man tried to enslave me, he would have a wild cat on his hands, and ran a good chance of wearing his chain as a collar for the rest of his, rather shortened, life. Visiting a Gorean sim was something I had wanted to do, now I have done it, I don't think I will return except in a 'business' situation.

I feel I need to get on with exploring SL again, I've spent a lot of time involved in NCI, teaching, scripting, and socializing. Perhaps I should put some time aside to go get 'lost' each week.

On SL and Gor

2008-03-27T13:43:00.002Z

Well, its been a long time since I last blogged. Things are not always easy to blog about, I think some of the things I wrote maybe should have been kept 'under the lid'.

I have noticed things are changing in SL recently, in the past when I TP to a location (even one close) I had to wait for everything to rez, recently though, close locations seem to be already downloaded and rez almost instantly. I'm also noticing a cyclic behavior in how lag affects me, I could be fine, at 15fps one moment, the next I'm down at 2 or 3 fps and SL keeps 'freezing' for a few seconds, than it recovers ( this using the RC client). I have not found any rhyme or reason to the cycles. I am starting to suspect that LL have changed the server code to 'pre-rez' locations nearby but still out of view, I'm running the latest RC client, so it may be something in the client. LL are also moving to a distributed asset server model, and this could be a side effect of that. On the other hand, it could be my PC! The thing I have noticed is that when its good, its very good, and when its bad, its very bad.

I recently installed a Stargate, I loved that program and Stargate Atlantis, but I think the UK stopped showing them (Atlantis at the end of season 2 I think). This is the way teleporting should work, its fun. Anyone can set up a Stargate, and there are something like 3 networks in operation.

I have recently been looking at different 'societies' in SL, ones based on books or tv shows. The Gorean series seem to well established, more so than any other. The philosophy behind Gor is one I find I cannot subscribe to, to subjugate an entire Gender is, to my mind, wrong. There are many folk out there who are willing to be totally submissive, and some who are willing to be totally dominating, but to base a society on an entire Gender to be willing to be subjected to total submission is very far fetched.

In my view, the books are based on one man's misunderstanding of ancient gender roles (which are no longer applicable). In pass times, women were the home makers, they looked after the children, and did all the chores in the home (be it tent, cave, etc), the men went hunting. In such a society, a women's best survival strategy was to join with a strong man, one who could bring home the best cuts. Strong men tend to be domineering, so a women's best method to catch such a man would be to be submissive.

Why is this?

For the women, they had many tasks and the best way to deal with them was to cooperate and share out the tasks, this type of cooperation dose not need a strong leader, simply for folk to accept fairness. For the men, its different, they had one task that they all had to cooperate in (to hunt), and in that a strong leader is needed. From this, successful men tended to be strong and aggressive, successful women tended to be social and sympathetic (_not_ weak!).

In my view John Norman misinterpreted the gender roles as Master/Slave and based a society on it. I believe such a society would collapse, because the driving force for women is not as he describes in the books.

So, why are Gorean sims successful in SL? There are a number of reasons. First, those that parcipitate are self selecting, unlike the books. Second, there must be a respect for all, even slaves, for even slaves have free choice and cannot be compelled against their wishes, unlike the books. Third, many folk feel pressured in RL, to have all choice removed is a pleasure in itself, some folk feel helpless in RL, with no control, to have absolute control over others is, again, a pleasure esp when they know that control is freely given, not forced.

No doubt many feel (as i did at first) that the Gorean sims had no place in SL. I have come to a different conclusion. They represent an escape from RL, a way to experience a different life, a way to release tensions. I know some try to follow Gorean ways in RL, that is their choice (even a Gorean slave in RL has freedom of choice!).

I have been invited to a Gorean sim and I will be interested to see how my views change (if they do)

Random Musings

2007-12-07T10:25:00.000Z

My SL life is, as is common in SL, continually changing. Thank goodness for Talia, she is the one constant that keeps me anchored. Talia and Austin give me a base of stability, normality that I need. I sometimes feel a little envious of their freedom, but we each chose how we live our SL lives and mine I have chosen more by subconscious needs than by conscious thought. Without Talia and Austin I think I would implode.

I also need a man, not just any man, one who accepts me and accepts what drives me, one who can be a companion. I know that I am difficult to be with, I tend not to turn IMs away, some are friends just saying 'Hi', some are important IMs because someone has a problem, some are from folk who need help. Sometimes things happen which I feel need my immediate attention, This is a part of me, a part of who I am, something I cannot change. I was hoping Un would be such a man, but his life has been complicated recently and he is still developing, maybe he will be in the future, but for now he needs space.

On the NCI front, I'm still finding my place. I started as an Instructor and now (by some method I have yet to figure out) I appear to be the NCI Education Director's Deputy (unofficial). RoseLinUK London, the Education Director, has been very busy with other projects recently, and has left me to deal with the day to day issues. When I joined SL, I had no intention of working, and I think I am still in that situation. I do what I do because I enjoy it (most of the time lol). If I enjoy it, is it work?

I still like the idea of opening a store, though what I have to sell is rather an eclectic bunch of items. Talia and Austin are also starting to build some good stuff, Un has items as well, so maybe a store for the River Rats group! All we need to do is find a location!

Time to sign off and get back to work lol

Afon

Un-Day

2007-10-08T13:07:00.001+01:00

Well this Saturday was Un-Day, a concert and auction in support of Thrombosis research. It was suppose to be a 24 hour concert but ended up as something like 35 hours long! I spent most of Saturday at the venue, on security detail, but there was no trouble (and I had Un with me, dancing together at the front gate *giggles*). The concert was sparked by Unmasked Shepherd's situation, she is very ill and we all feel for her. I remember her when she first joined SL, Talia and I were among the first to make contact with her, a somewhat scared newbie, and it gives me great pleasure to see how she has blossomed within the environment of SL. She is an excellent artist, drawing from RL and SL, creating her own music and prose. She remained awake throughout the scheduled 24 hours of the concert, which is so typical of her, only going to bed shortly after it was suppose to finish. The concert itself took on a life of its own, continuing for another 11 hours! I don't know how much was donated, but I do know it must be close to half a million Lindens.

Sunday was spent finishing off at the Un-Day concert (it was scheduled to finish at 5am PDT/13:00 BST), updating the Class Schedule, teaching one class, and apologizing for Instructor no-shows for two others.

I asked Talia and Austin for permission to invite Un into our group, the River Rats, and they made fun of me while I tried to put the question together! Sheesh, they only got away with it cause I love them both. I invited Un and he agreed without reservation (and no, Talia, its not the same as 'popping the question' *giggles*). So the trap round my heart is closing, but its a nice trap and I'm happy to be in it. I'm still concerned that I am unable to devote more time to Un, he must feel he is sharing me with NCI.

Monday was busy as usual, with an RL commitment taking a few hours out and needing to complete the class listing in SL's events. Still it was made more pleasant as I was dancing with Un at the end-of-concert dance whilst doing the updates.

Happiness is more important than freedom

Afon

Long Time No Blog

2007-10-05T14:26:00.000+01:00

Hmm, its been a while since I last blogged. I usually write the blog during my lunch break at work, but I have been on training this week with no access to the internet during the day.

So what has been happening, well Peter reappeared , which gave me a real shock. He was only on for about 30 minutes and did not IM me. He had sent me an email before logging on, but it was a cold, matter of fact, email simply saying that his PC had fried itself and he was unable to contact me due being unemployed and homeless. I was IMed by my friends and I felt like a phalanx had surrounded me to protect me. To all my friends, a big thank you, lots of hugs, I love you all. I was with Un, cuddling in his arms. He told me that if I wanted to go back with Peter he would understand. Not a chance, Un is everything Peter wasn't and more, so basically no contest. There will always be a bit of my heart that's Peter's, that will always cause a little twinge, but I choose Un. I choose a sweet, gentle, man with whom I can be comfortable with, a man I can trust totally, a companion. /me sighs contentedly.

What else, well NCI International disappeared a little early, So had some fun rearranging venues for the classes that were due to be there, the only problem one was my hair class which requires a lot of free prims. I tried to hold it at NCI South, plenty of prims, but the sim crashed and when it came back up, it was unstable. This class is going to be a headache to host.

Talia and Austin got themselves partnered, WOOT WOOT. I'm so happy for them. Ahh, the stories I could tell from the past, but I better not *giggles*. Anyway, I don't need to wish them the best, they already have it, in each other.

Must go, I have a ton of things I must do.

Afon

A Crazy Weekend

2007-10-01T23:03:00.000+01:00

What a weekend!

The most memorial thing to happen was that Peter logged in! It was like an electric shock through me. I was with Un, cuddling and chatting, when he logged in. I was contacted by Dey, with offers of support, and Talia came on line shortly after and offered her support. Held by Un, I felt like a phalanx of friends had surrounded me to protect me, they all helped me. I am so grateful to them, I feel so undeserving. Peter did not contact me, and logged off shortly after.

In RL I have not been in the position of losing someone close to me, so I am unprepared to handle the emotions I feel. Un has made me so happy, and he is such a sweet gentleman. I think he may have been dreading this day, wondering if I would go back with Peter. He told me that if i wanted to, he would understand and accept my desicion. That confirmed what I allready knew, that I choose Un. I still feel the pain of that shock, it will take a while to abate, but at least I have felt what I dreaded. If Peter logs in again, the pain wont be so bad, and I know it will lessen over time.

The rest of the weekend is kind of a blur, some things happened that I cannot blog, good things.

Afon

Dancing Away The Night

2007-09-29T21:31:00.000+01:00

A late login and a welcome Hi from Un.

Just after logging in, Talia also logged in, so we had chat before I went to join Unique.

Un took me to a romantic sim called Venezia Italia where we took a gondola ride round the canals, relaxing in Un's arms. Un told me its was a bit slow in places, but I did not mind *smiles dreamily*. I usually use my camera to check out any shops we pass, but I didn't this time, hmm, I wonder if I'm coming down with something lol.

Once the trip was over, we then went onto the dance club there and danced the rest of the night away. First dancing a ballroom, then a slow dance, finally kissing on a bridge over one of the canals.

Afon

A Mixed Day

2007-09-28T13:32:00.000+01:00

Thursdays are usually quiet, so I was hoping to spend some quality time with Un. Its one week since he first approached me, asking me for a date. So much has happened since then. He has been a constant (and very pleasurable) companion since then, putting up with me dragging him around as I did what I thought I needed to do. My memories of before Un seem to be memories of a distant past. I managed to spend some time devoted to Un, and I hope Un felt it was quality time, I feel guilty and lucky.

Sheesh, work calls...

Afon

A Poem From My Love

2007-09-27T13:29:00.000+01:00

I love the wind,
She caresses my sails.
She brings them to life.
She fills them with purpose.
Afon is my wind.

I love the sunshine.
She warms my skin.
She lights my path.
She chases away the haunting shadows.
Afon is my sunshine.

I love the sea.
She carries me to far away places.
She cradles me in her gentle swells.
Her waves rock me to sleep at the end of a weary day.
Afon is my sea.

I love the night.
She brings me peace.
She hides my imperfections.
She keeps my secrets.
Afon is my night.

Un

o' mice an' men

2007-09-26T13:13:00.000+01:00

So much for my plans last night. It should have been a free night, only a small update to the events listing. It ended up a nightmare (and I did not manage to do the small update!). My only consolation is that my sweet Un was with me most of the time. Almost all of what happened I cannot blog, not because it was personal, but because it wasn't.

Thankfully we did managed some time alone together at sim called Midnight Reflections. Held in his strong arms, quietly chatting, in beautiful , peaceful surroundings. Looking out over a lake, a few butterflies fluttering nearby, dark, romantic dark not gothic dark, a place to be with your love or to chat quietly, peacefully. Even my client crashing could not destroy the ambiance. I have been before, to think on my life, but its a place best appreciated with another. Our time together was too short, as the rest of SL intruded and I was brought back to virtual reality with a bump.

No matter how busy things are, there is always time for a cuddle.

Afon

Monday !!

2007-09-25T13:27:00.000+01:00

Mondays are my most difficult days to cope with, I have an RL commitment so my time in SL is limited and I seem to spend my time completing the Class Schedule postings. Poor Un got ignored again, as a job that should have taken 1.5 hours stretched to 3+ hours due to interruptions. From a personal point of view, this is ok, but I now have to consider Un, so it was frustrating. Ok grip over.

Rainbow resigned last night, and with Rose going as well, we no longer have an Education Director. I don't really want to take on more work, lol, I joined SL to relax and explore myself, not to get a job! But I will not see NCI left in the lurch, and Un, bless him, has told me he will support me in whatever I do.

Tonight I am going to dedicate to my sweet Un, or at least I'm going to dam well try to. *smiles shyly* I'm melting just thinking about it.

This is not a clever tag line.

(*giggles*) Afon

Yet Another Sunday

2007-09-24T09:50:00.000+01:00

Ok I missed a day, but Sunday, as usual was busy. In fact busier than usual.

I don't remember much of Saturday, the day seem to be a bit of a swirl, though I think I have a good reason, but more on that later (if your lucky *giggles*). The main thing I remember is showing Un around Talia and my island, and ending up slow dancing in the sky park (/me sighs and shakes herself from her dreamy trance).

Sunday was haywire, I feel sorry for poor Un who ended up being a little, ok a lot, ignored. Sunday is the day the schedule gets updated and posted for the following week. Rose got the updates to me in good time and I was able to update my master copy, made very pleasant by being in Un's arms while I did it. I had just completed it when I had to go and teach my classes, two and a half hours of teaching scripting, its amazing how tiring it is even using a serial chat feeder. This was followed by posting some of the classes and events, trying to arbitrate in a classroom where a class had been canceled, and other not good things. Thankfully Un had got hold of a lovely embrace, and I was able to melt in his arms at the end of the day, aaahhhhh!

How do I feel with Un? I feel kind of dreamy, floaty, relaxed. Mind you I have had some late nights, so that may be the cause. Well thats my excuse and I'm sicking to it lol. Sunday was the first day Un was with me while I was busy, I hope that he did not feel like I was ignoring him, I felt his presence, and it helped me relax, especially later on. I could set off on a monologue on why we feel such connections, such feelings, but Unmasked Shepherd wrote a piece for The Konstrukt that covers this better than I can. I think it will be published in the next issue, and I was privileged to be allowed to read his article before publication.

The world may not be real, but your feelings are.

Afon

A Date!

2007-09-22T19:26:00.000+01:00

I had a date last night, with Un. We went exploring first to a strange construction in Caledon, like an alien landing site. I think I was a bit skittish, leading him round the site and not letting him stop and rest, I'm hoping he liked it. He had to tell me to stop and sit so we could have a good long chat.

We went on to the NCI Beach Party, which is on late for me, so I usually don't get to it. But I was not going to fail on my first date. We danced together for rather longer that I should have *giggles*, it was after 6am before I logged off!

I kept tight control of my emotions, I don't want either of us hurt, it would be so easy to let my emotions run riot but that would not be fair on either of us. I enjoyed our time together and look forward to Saturday night when we can meet up again. I would like to do something that Un likes tonight, but we shall have to see.

byeee

Afon

A day Off

2007-09-21T13:38:00.000+01:00

A day off from Instructing, scheduling, etc. I feel I have been buried in NCI Education business forever. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it, but sometimes a change, a break, is good.

It was a private day. A day I shared with my friends, of reaffirmation, a day that a door may have opened, an exciting, scary, day.

I went exploring with my close friend Talia, she's quite an explorer now, which she blames me for lol! I love to explore, to poke around in the corners of SL, you never know what you may find. I have found secret labs, an ancient alien landing site, cosy nooks and crannies (*giggles*), ancient Roma, etc, etc.

I was able to spend time at beach, socializing, another of my loves. I ended up party to a rather philosophical discussion that seemed to revolved around who's mind was closed. I think Its was between two relatively new residents, and that sort of discussion is always fun because they have yet to 'get' SL.

Hmm, I was going to start one of my ramblings on SL being a multi layer, multi cultural, multi mindset, society, in which we should all accept others rights to their views. But I found that I cannot accept some folks views, those that involve demeaning others (eg speciism). Perhaps my mind is 'closed', perhaps everyone's mind is closed, only able to accept views that are similar to their own.

I think I will not subject you, dear reader, to my biased, closed minded ramblings (lololol). Anyway, I'm still buzzing a bit from yesterday and looking forward what exciting, scary things will happen tonight (I hope lol).

Even an open mind has a horizon.

Afon

Two Classes and a Wedding

2007-09-20T13:10:00.000+01:00

Yet another busy day in SL.

The two classes were Prim Shoes and Hair, the wedding was sandwiched between them. I had arranged with Rose to start the Prim Shoes class half an hour earlier, and the Hair class an hour later than last week. This worked very well, though it did mean I was finishing rather late. My Prim Shoe class was very quiet, but that meant I was able to give close help and the class finished on time. The Hair one is the one that gave me such problems last week, this week it went much more smoothly, but really needs to be updated to reflect modern styles.

The wedding. This was the first wedding I had attended in SL, it was the joining of Kara and Hooyha, and was beautifully done. I am happy for them, and I wish them the best. I really hope they can stay together, I really do, but my experience with Peter clouds my feelings.

SL is very ethereal, always changing. Places I visited when I was a newbie (only 4-5 months ago) have either changed or gone. If there is one underlying rule in SL is that everything changes, quickly. A great castle could appear one day and be gone the next. This also applies to residents, we all know of residents who were once here but have gone now, some go without leaving a hole, but some go and the hole left is felt for weeks, months after.

When Peter and I partnered, there was no ceremony, no wedding. He offered and after a talk I accepted. I still feel the excitement, just remembering the day. I would have liked a wedding, but Peter did not want to make a big fuss, it was something just between us. Would a wedding have helped? I don't know, I suspect not. Though we were matched in someways, I think we were not matched in the right ways, sooner or later we would have parted. In RL you cannot disappear, and any problems you have you must face. In SL you can just log off, and never return. You don't need to think of the consequences of your actions because you will never face them. This is something we, in SL, must accept, that even residents are ethereal.

I am still looking for romance, a man to be with, to hold me, to love me, to accept me for everything I am. I want the fairy tale, but I don't expect to find anything that will last. Can i see myself getting married in SL? I would love to, to wear a beautiful dress, to stand before my man and say I do. But I cannot see myself doing this. To me a marriage is a commitment, something not to be taken lightly, something that will sometimes need work to keep. Maybe my man fully intends to honor that commitment at the start, but later? I know, I'm being negative, a cynic, maybe in time I will feel different. lol, even I am subject to the underlying SL rule.

Be who you are, no changes can destroy that.

Afon

Shoes

2007-09-19T14:08:00.000+01:00

Ok, strange title, but that was the main thing I worked on yesterday. My RL work held me back so I was a couple of hours late logging in, I had plans to complete the shoes I had promised and update my hair class. I decided the shoes were more important.

I had a class to teach, on flexi skirts. I enjoy teaching, perhaps its the exhibitionist in me, but I love a class with student participation. This class was a tough one, little in the way of laughs or jokes, and the smallest one so far for flexi skirts. I think I need to come up with a Joke-A-Matic for the period before the class starts, or find a warm-up act lol.

I completed the shoes, but was worried that they would not be acceptable. I met with Lucy, Kev, and Xx who all expressed delight, I really do hope that they are good enough, being the first pair i have seriously made for someone.

I'm still trying to work out where I stand in the NCI community, esp at Beach, I still think of myself as 'young' and yet in many situations I'm one of the older residents. I went to Guiding Waters to complete the shoes, it has a good prim count, and I am conscious of giving Talia and Austin their space. While there, Unique dropped by, he apologized for disturbing me, remarking that I was someone he respected and did not want to upset, which was sweet of him. This has me thinking, until now I have considered myself as a bit of a noob still, able to make social mistakes and get away with them, of no particular import in the NCI and Beach social circles. But may be this is changing, and it worries me. In RL I consider myself to be socially inept, and avoid potential faux pas situations, I have no close friends in RL for this reason. In SL I am more involved in the community, with many friends, but this creates a greater chance of committing a social faux pas. I want to be approachable, friendly, welcoming (I almost never turn an IM away), but I have difficulty in approaching others, contacting them, in case I upset them. To some this might make me appear aloof, I hope not, in fact its the reverse, I consider others feelings to be more important than mine. Perhaps in SL there is room for me to be accepted and not judged. My eccentricities, peculiarities, to be accepted by others as part of the great social tapestry that SL is. I hope so.

Be who you are,

Afon

The Shape of SL Society

2007-09-18T16:25:00.000+01:00

Monday I felt tired all day, I had my RL commitment in the evening. so I only logged in to SL for a few hours to update the SL Events Listing with NCI's classes and events.

The above is a bit short for a blog, so I thought I would put my thoughts triggered by a post Lillie Yifu posted about the sort of society SL should become. As the only folk who will read this are close friends, I think I'm safe to say what I like *giggles*.

When I joined, I found a society the reminded me strongly of Michael Moorcock's Dancers at the End of Time series. It is set in the far far future, at the end of the Universe and features a society in which anything a person wants can be created by thought alone. The landscape is littered by failed and abandoned projects, as well as some beautiful creations. The inhabitants live a life in which they can change their appearance at will, one in which sex is a pastime, love, hate, the emotions are but passing fads. Yes, it's a decadent society, but the inhabitants are effectively immortal. It is a society in which there is no currency, what is the point of money when you can create what you want? The power to create is in the hands of a small selection of inhabitants, the original humans and time travelers who understand the power.

SL is a society that currently revolves around two axis, the monetary one and the open source one. Most new residents I meet first ask how to make money, my answer is why? Now I ask it of SL as a whole, why? We all know of Anshe Chung, but she is the exception, Tateru's Mixed Reality Headcount, shows an interesting picture that big business dose not do well in SL.

In RL, everything costs, folk have to work to collect food and raw materials to be processed into products that we consume. It is impossible to survive in RL without doing some kind of work, even self sufficiency requires work. Yet in SL this is not the case, it is perfectly possible to survive, more than just survive, live, with no money and no work. You can create anything you need, and if you don't have the skills, there are folk who will happily create things for you because they enjoy creating things. I have both given and received many items for free, and many shops and stores sell things at very low prices (eg ballroom gowns that could grace a queen for L$50, thats less than 20c!). Why is this the case? I believe its because the creators enjoy making things, beautiful, clever, artistic, things. The value of what is created is not counted in money, but in appreciation, in pleasure, both in the creator and the receiver.

Perhaps SL should revolve around a different axis, one based on mutual creation and consumption. Folk who love to create, create and release what they wont ( keeping full rights to themselves, not open source). Consumers get to choose what they want from a selection who's value is based on quality of construction, on artistry, not price. Advertising spam would be pointless, as would money scams, the selling of freebies, and the selling of 'Businesses-in-a-box'. What about those trades that some folk only do for money, like escorting? I'm certain some residents only use the requirement for cash as a cover to satisfy their own desires, and those who escort to earn money will not need to. The sex 'industry' will revolve around different values, men will still come to SL looking for sex and there will still be female avs to satisfy those desires.

What about land, that dose cost money, and will continue to. But think about it, the cost is small, very small, the tier on some land I jointly own is L$4800 a month, thats US$18. In many places you can rent land cheaper, so the cost of land is not large, no worse than a night out. Is this excessive to pay for a system with the creative capabilities of SL? I think it is cheap. Islands cost over a thousand dollars to purchase, but, with a group of friends, this could be reduced to the cost of a good meal out each, and the tier is not excessive.

How will these ideas affect big business that LL is trying to attract? It will make little difference I think. RL business usage of SL is to increase brand awareness (which, with the current paradigm, they are failing to do anyway), and as virtual meeting places. Only SL born businesses would want a monetary based economy, RL businesses already give content away free, and the prices they could charge are peanuts compared with RL prices.

Anyway, thats enough of that I think, I'm probably wrong on a number of points, but if it gets you thinking, good.

Have Fun

Afon

A Tiring Day

2007-09-17T13:32:00.000+01:00

Sunday, a day of rest, right! I had four things planned to do today, one in RL and the other three in SL. I managed to complete the RL task whilst still logged in into SL without going AFK (the task required a second PC which I setup next to the one running SL). Of the SL tasks, one became obsolete, one I failed to touch, and the last I failed to complete, and I had all day to do them!

I think I spent most of the day in IMs, meetings, or sitting in classes, or two out of the three at the same time. I had to sit in a couple of classes I will be taking over next week, and sat in on a new instructor (Sunita Beck) who had a baptism of fire by stepping into the breach and subbing a class with a couple of hours notice.

The schedule update was late (I enter the classes in SLs events list for NCI), so I ended up adding events while sitting in the classes I need to take over, at an insane time in the morning.

Monday I will have to complete the events listing and complete the shoes I promised (the task I failed to touch), and its a short night as I have an RL commitment in the evening. I also need to get to bed early to recover. I am supposed to be able to relax in SL, so much for that idea!

I ended the day winding down with Talia, chatting on our island, sitting on a rock with our feet dangling over the sea. I'm am very fortunate to have such a good friend in Talia, she is an angel putting up with my whining and supporting me.

Sometimes I look back on my newbie days when all I needed to worry about was juggling male friends and hoping to meet up with Talia for a chat before logging off. I see those days through rose tinted glasses, but I remember the loneliness, sitting in Ginny park, a hive of activity going on 30ms from me but being alone, waiting, hoping.

Sheesh, enough of that, time to get back to work.

RL work.

The thing that pays the bills so I can live part of my life in SL.

Whatever you do, have fun :)

Afon

Just Another Day

2007-09-16T17:14:00.000+01:00

Well it was *giggles*.

I went to a small complex near Talisman Designs, Tulin Designs. It is an offshoot of Talisman housing four designers, each with a different product line. They also have a small freebie section.

I bought a number of outfits from Sam-Lin and one from Mijn Spijkers, I am wearing the one from Mijn in the photo (called Shades, its an unusal design, right up my street lol). I had a pleasant chat with the owner of Sam-Lin Designs, Samantha Lingiuan.

I spent time at NCI Beach helping new residents and generally socializing. When Talia logged on we went for a wirlwind trip of some of the ballroom locations in SL, we did not stop for long at any of them but there are some interesting places out there.

I started, finally, on a pair of shoes I had promised a friend. Though I teach the basics of making prim shoes, making good ones is a lot more complex. I think I came up with an unusal design.

Thats about it! Fun filled, but difficult to blog lol.

Afon

The Day After

2007-09-15T12:28:00.000+01:00

It was The Day After, how do I feel? Fragile, weepy, relieved. Thankfully he did not act like a typical male and turn up! What would I have done if he had, I don't know, I just don't. Relieved? I dreaded the day I would need to departner, but now it is done, its like a weight has lifted from me. Peter is now in my past, not my present, a memory I will carry with me forward as I rejoin my life, a memory of love. I can pack everything about him into a prim, and store it safely where I can easily find it and open it when ever I want. And no, it wont be in the Objects folder! It will be in with all my other precious items, safe.

So what did I do with my new found freedom? I went exploring, first to a Bogart themed location (Rick's Cafe Americain) with Talia, then to see Unmasked Shepherd's art at an art show in Caledon (her art is fabulous). Then to the new NCI location in Caledon. Carl has just started building there, the style is NCI, but different, just as Beach's style is NCI but different. I am looking forward to the finished build, I have no doubt it will be a hit.

Thats it for now,

Have Fun

Afon

A Sad, Sad Day

2007-09-14T08:38:00.000+01:00

This is a post I hope non of you girls in close relationships ever have to consider posting. Last night I ended my partnership with Peter.

We met almost five months ago and have been partnered for 4 of those months. He was intelligent and fun, though not that romantic. We had some great times together, working together on projects, competing against each other, playing with Excite (*giggles*)! We had our bad times, but most relationships have those. Neither of us came into SL to find romance or love, it just happened. He produced some clever idea's, a sign worn on the chest that listen to chat and showed a relevant emoticon, and a method of terrain mapping using sculpties.

As time went by, he got more and more involved in his mapping business, which had the potential of becoming a major business in SL. I tried to support him in whatever way I could, but that was usually to leave him get on with his work. He had commissions that took all his time up and little time for anything else. The last I saw of him was in his office at Shepherd Oh, Cartographers. He had been upset the previous night, feeling that I was ignoring him, he was also a little tipsy. I tried to talk to him the following day to sort our relationship out but he crashed a couple times, the last time he crashed was the _last_ time.

Its been over a month now since I last saw him, I have sent emails to him, but have received no reply. I cannot wait forever, and sooner or later I must move my life on, but that did not make it any easier. Breaking the partnership was a simple matter of ticking a box and clicking Submit, but that hides a whole bunch of emotions. My close friend Talia held me as I broke the partnership, she comforted me, without her support I don't know what I would have done. I cried as I did it, I cannot explain how I felt, perhaps like a part of me had gone. Some of you may think I have not waited long enough, what if he was in hospital, or ..., or ..., I know. My SL and RL are separate, to try to find him in RL would send the wrong signals, and if he has left me, I don't what to start chasing after him. A month is long enough for anything that may have happened to him to have past enough to send me an email.

Do I blame him, or myself, no. Perhaps it was both of us, I don't know. Without knowing the reason he disappeared I cannot place any blame. Perhaps this is the best way to end the relationship, not in anger, or hate, or dispassionately, but as a love that has gone. I wont forget him, he will always be somewhere in my heart.

I have decided not to tell anyone except for a few close friends, and you dear reader. SL is a wonderful place, a place to explore not just the virtual creations and worlds folk have made, but to explore yourself. To feel emotions that you cannot feel in RL, some good, some bad, some pleasurable, some painful, but all a part of you.

I feel strange, it may be do to with lack of sleep, I was up till after 5:30pm (though had a sleep in the evening), I feel fragile, weepy, but I know I have good friends in SL who will support me. Perhaps that I have to keep such emotions buried in RL dose not help, but that is the price you pay when you have a true Second Life.

I have rambled on enough I think, time to finish this post and get back to RL and my work.

Don't just exist, live.

Afon

More Instructing

2007-09-13T12:53:00.000+01:00

My second post, I wonder how long I will keep this up lol.

Two classes last night, the Prim Heeled Shoes and Basic Scripting. The shoes class I can almost do blindfolded now, but the scripting class is still being worked on. Last night the scripting class was in a new location, at Semper, who have provided us with a lecture theater to teach in. I had to modify the class to take this into account as the original required the students to get up and bump into their prims (which is hilarious). Luckily, the shoe class students were good and I was able to finish on time, there being only 30 minutes between the classes.

Tuesday, I visited a Victorian reproduction clothes shop, owned by Skye Qi (slurl:
Pamran 61/139/23). I got a few nice outfits and worn one last night, which got some appreciative comments :))

After my scripting class, I felt lost, perhaps I was tired, or maybe its was the relief after quite a few days of hard graft. I even had problems facing new residents, which is unusual. Hopefully I will be able to relax and do something of my own tonight.

No sign of Peter, though I had little time to myself last night, so maybe for the better. :(

Well thats it, my second post.

Byee

My Very First Post! WOOT

2007-09-12T12:46:00.000+01:00

I have finally got a blog! Something I did not think I would ever do, which just adds to the rather long list of 'things I don't expect to do but did' all due to Second Life.

I suppose a bit of an intro is in order. My rez date is 20/02/2007, I joined to see what SL was like and as an experiment (one day I may blog what the experiment was, but was successful!). I spent the first part of my SL exploring, meeting men, dancing, camping, and doing all the newbie things. About a month later I discovered NCI and met Talia Rosher who has become a very close friend (*hugs*). I have gradually become more and more involved in NCI and am now a Helper, Instructor, and Scheduling Officer (something I never expected to do).

Not long after I got involved in NCI, I met PeterCanessa Oh, a highly intelligent man whom I fell in love with (something else I did not expect to happen). We were partnered about 4 months ago, but he has been missing for the last month ( :-((( ) I miss him and wish he would contact me to let me know what is happening.

I have a long list of friends, to list them would take up the rest of this blog! To all of them *hugs*, you make my SL!

I am now a part owner (with Talia) of a small island (something I never thought I would do).

I am a reasonable Builder and Scripter (well _I_ think I am, but I may be biased lol).

My latest class was Prim Hair, I had a few days to write it and used Natalia's tutorial (with her permission via NCI) as a base. Natalia's blog is wonderful (http://slnatalia.blogspot.com/, check it out). The class was very nerve racking, I'm not sure whether it was a success or not, but I learnt a lot and hopefully will be able to improve for the next one.

Hmm, I suppose I should also put a rant in here as well, its not like anyone is actually going to _read_ this post in the near future lol (this is a serious rant though)
<rant>
We, at NCI, had a class on SL Sex for the Beginner, this class was more tame than sex education classes taught in schools to under 18s. This class has now been cut due to it being 'offensive' and that the location where it is being taught would need the Adult Verification flag enabled. All I can say is wtf! I have heard that some of those who objected to the class are into weapons use, if they are, I consider _that_ offensive. Is going round looking like you want to kill folk more acceptable than discussing (and only discussing) sexual relationships in SL? Is it more acceptable to kill folk in SL than make love to them? RL (at least the US) seems to be a 'Make War Not Love' society, images of dead bodies, beatings, shootings, are all over the TV for kids to see, but 1 sec of an adorned nipple and they are baying for blood. Sheesh, there are are naked stone statues in PG parts of RL, so why ban them from PG parts of SL (re Burning Life and NippleGate http://laetizia.wordpress.com/2007/08/29/burning-freedom/), we are adults not kids, and if LL want SL to be set up to protect kids, why the heck have a teen grid?
</rant>

Best finish, its my lunch break and I have other blogs to read (giggles).

Byee and Have Fun

Afon